god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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