After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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