omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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