Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
