yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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