apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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