Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.