I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".