yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!