i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.