I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you win again, gameday.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
