She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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