i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
