I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
