i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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