These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
