I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
