That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
