My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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