life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
