All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
