did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
