I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
