and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
