So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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