i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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