I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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