In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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