i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
