Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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