I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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