walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
