I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
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the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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