Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
