you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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