I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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