Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
