I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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