Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
