Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
