woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
