so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize