dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
