I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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