Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
