Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
