dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
