News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
