I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
