i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
