Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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