OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
