You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
