What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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