im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Then you guys just all showered together...?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
