On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
