dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
