You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
