I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
