I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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