This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
