so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
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If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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