It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
