Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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